This year the People discovered the Kitty Toothbrush. This did not make me a happy cat, since it involves chasing me around the house with a stick and rubbing it all over my teeth. I think that if People want teeth brushed, they should do their own and leave me alone.

The People spent a considerable amount of time sitting outside with other people, where they were exposed to germs carried by the Sticky Little People (which means they got sick a couple of times, which was very inconvenient for me.) They also drank a lot of Red Drinks, which tends to turn them stupid, and ate food they cooked outside, which makes no sense. When you cook food outside, you’re just asking for birds to poop on it.

The Woman started taking drugs that she sticks in her with a needle. She does not understand that I find the thingy the drugs come in to be shiny and fun looking, so I am going to try to play with it. This makes her somewhat angry, as she says the drugs make her feel better and made her able to start working out again and if I break the thingy they come in, she won’t have them. I keep trying to tell her Kitty Crack makes me feel better, too, but she won’t try it. I bet she would find it a lot more fun.

Because she felt better, the Woman started going to someplace called “The Why” and let some young person torture her. She blamed the people she sat outside with and said they were Evil and forced her to go. I never saw anyone break into the house and drag her out, but, whatever. After considerable thought I realized it was called “The Why” because she was always muttering “Why do I do this to myself?”

Towards the later part of the year the Man decided it was time to stop passing gas for the Air Force. He did that for 20 years and had no more gas left to give them. They must have been quite happy he was stopping, because they gave him presents for it, and gave him a party. The neighbors were happy he was no longer passing gas, too, because they also had a party for it. The Woman was happy because it meant that he could grow a beard. I was happy because on the days they went out to party, I got fed extra Stinky Goodness.

After he stopped passing gas for the Air Force, strange people came into our house and took away everything we owned. I kid you not! I got locked into the bathroom, and when I came out, all our stuff was in boxes. And a couple of days later I got locked in the bathroom again, and when I got out it was ALL GONE. This was just the start of the horror.

After we were robbed and all our stuff was gone, the People shoved me into the car so we could “move.” Now for me moving had always meant going from one part of the house to another to find a new place to nap, but THIS moving meant being shoved in a car for FOUR days, spending nights in horrible rooms that weren’t mine, and ending up in a place where there are no Sticky People to watch play outside the window.

The Man stayed home for a couple of months after The Move, and I think it was so he could build up enough strength to go pass gas again. Now he drives to a far away place most mornings where he passes gas for people who are not the Air Force. I hope the Air Force does not mind. The Woman says he does this because he “retired” from the Air Force, but frankly, I never saw him do anything to get tired in the first place.

After we had been here for a while, I met New People. They remind me of the Man in a way, but they’re cuter. And The Move meant that I get to see the Younger Human more than I did before. I like him because he knows how to play with me. Seeing him more often just makes me think that my People are just too old for me. The People seem happy about seeing him more, too, and I hear the Woman on the thing she holds up to her ear to talk into bragging about how well he seems to be doing. Mostly I think the Woman is glad to be closer to him because he likes pizza as much as she does, so she has someone she can make go out to eat with her. I would eat pizza if she would let me, but no, that’s “not good for kitties.”

Nothing fun is ever good for kitties. Except Christmas! There was turkey and shrimp for Christmas, and presents! My People were home all day and fed me well, and the Younger Human came over and stayed for a long time, so it was a Very Nice Day.

Aside from getting yelled at for playing with shiny things the Woman should know better than to leave where I can get to them, being robbed, moving, having to get used to a new place (I did get my stuff back), losing the Sticky People that kept me entertained (because honestly there is nothing like a really good Sticky Person Temper Tantrum for entertainment value), and the four freaking days in the car, it was a good year.

Maybe next year will be as nice, filled with shrimp and other Stinky Goodness. Make sure all your cats get lots of Stinky Goodness and warm laps to nap on, and all will be right with the world. I swear.